This post will be more serious in nature than the past few have been. I have some things in my heart that I really feel I must say right now. So here we go:
Lately, I've been feeling a calling. As I mentioned in my previous post, there have been so many changes in my life recently. This is a calling for a huge change. A completely different lifestyle than the one I've been living. This is a calling to come back to God. He has been pulling at me for a while and revealing this to me in all kinds of ways. I see blog posts that these incredible women of God post and talk about all the wonders that He works in their lives. One of my dear friends invited me to a girls group discussion tonight and it really opened my eyes to all the things that I've been missing. Which is what led me to writing this message.
Let's rewind a few years. The summer before I went into high school was the first time I truly met God. I knew about God and all the great things that He does but I had never gotten to know Him on a truly personal level. After having this experience with Him, I was left wanting more. For a few years, I was head over heels in love with Jesus and being Catholic. Then suffering really set in for me. My junior year of high school, I was hit with blow after blow. I was knocked down so hard that to this day I have not managed to completely stand back up. Now during this time when God would have been that friend and comfort that I so desperately needed, I turned away. I was angry with Him for all the things that were happening in my life. I wanted to do it alone. I worked hard to pick myself up. I thought I was doing an adequate job, until old feelings began seeping through. I have been knocked down again, not because of anything new, but because all of my old pain is too much for me to handle alone. Still, I did not immediately turn to God even though He was pulling so hard on my heart. I turned to the people who are closest to me. While I felt some relief, it was still hard to carry with me. The crosses I bear are too heavy to be carried alone. Today I am left in this broken, desolate place in need of my Heavenly Father more than ever.
I decided to share this here because I knew that if I put this on here I would be held accountable. I am not living the way that I want to. I do not know Christ. My relationship with him that used to consume me is now barely there. The focus of the girls group that I attended tonight was evangelization. All of these awesome girls were talking about how they want to share the love of Christ that they know with world. The whole time I was thinking to myself, how could I go into the world and share a love that I do not know myself? Doing so would make me a hypocrite. That is when I realized, today is your day. You shall no longer make excuses or rationalize your behavior. I want to feel God's love for me the way I did when I first encountered it. I want to really know Christ. I want the kind of joy that can only be found through knowing God. All of these feelings made me remember a wonderful verse from Song of Songs
You have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride; you have ravished my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one bead of your necklace. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride ~ Song of Songs 4:9-10
If God feels this way about me, how can I not yearn to feel the same towards Him.
So I shall leave you with this: I challenge you to find the thing in your life that you are ashamed of and work towards changing it. Invite God into your lives and let Him show you all He is capable of. For without Him, we would be lost forever.