Today I read this post over at Casey Wiegand's blog
(if you don't know of her blog, go read it. she's sort of a big deal.)
She talks about a lot of what if's in her post and it got me thinking about the way I've been acting.
You see, Keegan has my heart, the whole thing, which makes it very easy for him to break.
And in October, he did just that.
And just when I was getting back on my feet, two individuals made themselves a part of something they didn't need to be involved in and because of it my heart was broken a second time.
And this heartbreak was of a different kind.
They got in my head and made me feel inadequate and small.
They brought up feelings that I'd worked through and learned to cope with.
They undid almost all of the work I had done to be ok again.
They broke me.
Because of how broken I was, I am struggling with forgiveness.
I have forgiven Keegan.
It took a while, but I realized he never meant to hurt me.
He loves me more than I know and I don't want to lose him.
But I have not forgiven the people who hurt me so much.
I've been trying.
But I am angry.
I am angry at myself for letting them get in my head.
I am angry at them for treating me so horribly.
I am angry.
And I let this anger control me.
I have been praying that God helps me let go of this, but it is taking some time.
I wish I would have handled some of it differently, but I can't undo the past.
All I can do is work to forgive them and treat them with the respect that they never showed me.
All I can do is be better than I was yesterday.
I want to be better everyday.
And in order to do so, I have to let go of my anger and my hurt.