Thursday, May 31, 2012

A Heavy Heart & A Pocket Full of Matches

There are a lot of ways I could write what I have to say.
I could be my usual "funny-doesn't-let-things-get-to-her" self.
I could be a complete wreck.
I could be a real witch and rip some people a new one.
I could be insightful and positive.
And it's hard to choose which version of myself I want to be when I write this
because these days my life is a little mixed up.
And I'm a little confused.

You see,
after a year and a half of dating and a year and a half of friendship before that
Keegan and I are broken up.

I know that deep down I made the right choice.
But it doesn't make the pain any less real.
I know in my heart that I'm only eighteen.
But it doesn't take away the tears.
He's my first love.
The first guy I kissed.
The person I ran to with all my problems, big or small.
The person I wanted to share everything with.

In ending our relationship, I lost my best friend as well.
And that really, really hurts. 
I know one day, I'm going to be happy.
As is he.
It just hurts to know that we won't be happy together.

But on the other side of that coin,
he and two others hurt me in ways I didn't know were possible.
And part of me wants to strike a match on
all the memories that I have left and walk out of this situation with my head held high
 knowing that I am a better person because of how I handled myself.

Then there's a darker (slightly more dramatic) part of me that wants
to hurt him and the other two the way I hurt.
To take all their stability and rip it out from under them the way that they did me.
To publicly harass them and to privately destroy what happiness they have left.
And maybe pull a Carrie Underwood and key a few cars while I am at it.

But deep down, I know that I'm better than all of it.
I am strong because I won't let any of it take away my values and beliefs.
I am better off because I finally had the strength to do what I thought I couldn't.
I am kind because I chose to try forgive and support the two who hurt me.
I am going to be just fine
and no one is going to take that away from me.

As for now, I'm planning to enjoy my summer and live my life on my own terms.

6 comments:

Janice Wong said...

I would just like to say that I am honored to know you and have you as my friend. For as long as I've known you, you have always handled yourself with class no matter what life has thrown at you. I know this post was really hard to write, but I love the perspective you chose to take on this situation. Love you my friend!

~ Jan

Alana Christine said...

You're going to be better than fine! You're taking the higher road and you'll be rewarded. Nevertheless, I'm sorry you got hurt : (

Joy said...

Big hugs <3

Anonymous said...

You are beautiful and strong!! So proud of you. Love you Mommy

Michelle said...

Oh sweetie! I'm so sorry! But you sound like you have a great perspective, and that rocks! I've been in your shoes exactly. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years around your age and even though it was absolutely the best decision, it hurt like the devil. So I am here to let you know that some day you will thank your lucky stars you're not together even though it doesn't feel that way now!

Anonymous said...

N, I know how ou feel. I broke up with me x in February and it's hard I am still going through things. We dated for three years and some change it was tough getting through it but you will be alright. I know it. God put him in your life for a reason and took him out for a reason your are an awesome beautiful person inside and out. Call/text me annytime . I love you and I understand what your going through. Hey if you need to pull a Carrie underwood moment I will be your partner in crime. Love you silly girl, Haley long